i AM a mother

I sit here today with tears on my face, holes in my heart, and empty arms.

My husband and I had been trying for a baby for almost 2 years. On June 23rd of this year I had lost my first child. My mind was a void and my soul was lost. I screamed out in pain for my unborn child, but it was no use.. My baby, purpose, and heart were all gone. Although I never held you in my arms or gave you a proper name- I am still your mother. You were here and gone in such a short time with no explanation. You were loved unconditionally and will be forever in my heart.. That moment I lost you was the worst day of my life.. Or so I thought.

I found out about my ectopic pregnancy on September 27th of this year. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, but unfortunately, I did. Late August I had found out I was pregnant again, following my miscarriage in June. I was told I had to terminate my child in order to save my life. The shot they gave me had a very high success rate, and my doctor was confident it would work.

She was wrong.

Exactly one week following that dreadful day, I ended up in the ER with the worst pain I could have imagined. I was scared to death, but thankful that this new pain would block out the emotions.. If only for a short while. That day was a blur of blood, tears, denial, and shock. When the doctor came in after my ultrasound, I had been told I needed emergency surgery. The feelings that came after were unlike all past events. I no longer cared about the person I was before this moment. I no longer existed. I was told that if I had waited just a little bit longer.. I would have died. My baby was in my left fallopian tube and had grown large enough to burst through my tube, resulting in internal bleeding.

I had been told multiple times that “It could be worse”. But to me, this was my ‘worse’.

It breaks my heart to say that I had wished that I waited and not gone into the ER. The emotional pain following this tragedy was, and still is, almost too hard to live with. Losing two children within about three months is unbearable. I am still in shock today, and it will probably never go away. That’s just something that I’ll need to accept. My pre-existing depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts were feeding off of this heartbreak. They say “God won’t give you more than you can handle”. I lost faith in that saying and faith in myself. But I am stronger than the trials I have been through. Stronger than the suicidal thoughts. Stronger than I used to be. I am still alive.

I always try to put the blame on something/someone else, but this time I can’t. I had been a smoker for 3+ years. I believe that is what almost killed me. This was my wake-up call. I was a slave to that stick of darkness. My babies are dead because of me and my horrible habit. There were fibers in my tubes, which were more than likely caused by smoking. The fibers caused my babies to grow in the wrong places before getting where they needed to be. The doctor said that my smoking is the most logical explanation. They died because I couldn’t do it. I was too weak. I couldn’t quit. But I am stronger, and I have quit.

Please do not ask me if I’m okay. I will stand there and tell you it’s better, but I promise you that it isn’t. It doesn’t get better. It only gets easier to lie and say that you’re okay. I will not suppress my feelings any longer. I will stop lying to myself and others. My babies are dead and I am taking full responsibility. It’s obvious I’m not okay.

To all you women with empty arms, I am so deeply sorry. You are not alone, you are loved, and you ARE a mother.

Yours truly,

Molly Zoellner

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Meaning of Life

Thoughts and ideas are expressed through putting pencil to paper. As I sit in class today, I noticed the behavior of those around me. Allowing my mind to wander freely, I am able to understand my peers and their trials. I look into their eyes and hearts to see cruelty, torment, and destruction. I see the deepest thoughts that are never spoken, nor written down. Looking into their thoughts and minds, I see children; scared and alone- In the grasp of Satan’s hand. Some lights flicker ever so dimly, yet fade to a darkness that only I can see. Through all that is seen, I am frozen in time; unnoticed, observing, and uncovering their thoughts. Class still in session, a shuffling of pages, and the shifting of feet; the lecture still going- but going nowhere. The knowledge is vanished into the air; being unheard. Wisdom is distorted in these minds and individuals; leaving them gasping for truth that is out of their reach. Thoughts and ideas are left in the depths of their minds- buried and unspoken. The meaning of life is in the hearts and minds of us all- We just need to uncover the truth of who we are meant to be.

Past Gives Birth To Future

The things you carry, both tangible and intangible, affect the choices that you make. Knowing this, one would think it necessary to let go of the bad things in life. Forgetting these things and letting go may negatively affect you as a whole. Forgetting my past was something I thought of as an important part in moving on and growing. Unfortunately for me, I let myself go whilst attempting to change. Without the help of friends and family, I grew to resent myself. This fact swallowed me whole — Leaving nothing behind. Determined to find myself, I held onto anything that came my way. Peer pressure became my personality; dictating all my actions. Letting go of all I knew myself to be, led me down the path of destruction and terror. Similar to a child, I was lost and confused in a corrupted world. The corruption of the world soon gave me the belief that I was an object of destruction. Striving to remember the horrors of my past became my ongoing obsession. Reading the writings of my past became the only way I could rediscover myself. With this ‘new’ knowledge of myself, I was able to destroy this corruption that ate at my soul. The past that was of me had given birth to the future of my soul- which gives me hope for a brighter life full of purpose and hope. Due to the unveiling of past experiences, I am able to fulfill my purpose of helping those around me. By reading these thoughts and a part of my past, you are giving light to the sense of purpose and hope that lies within me.

Scrolling through a website I hold dear to my heart, www.experienceproject.com, I came upon a description of Clinical Depression. This description fits perfectly what I, and others like me, wish to say.

Everyone Needs To Read This

Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comfort yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life. It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.
Depression is not a synonym for being sad or having a bad day/bad week.

This was posted on www.experienceproject.com Jan. 23, 2013 by ‘Genetica’

Growing Up in Faith

Being a preachers daughter may lead one to believe that faith comes easily for them. Although I am currently appreciative towards the comfort of connection to the church, it took every power available to develop a firsthand faith. Rebelling against parents and God appeared to be the only path towards freedom and who I wanted to be. Escaping from the ongoing church activities seemed to be reached only through the rebellious actions of my peers. The moment of failure came with the realization of self-image. Being overweight in the third grade, I was lead to believe that my appearance was full of disgust and despair. Unable to cope with the negative responses, a decision had to be made. Within one summer I was able to shed the undesirable layers that I was once so confident about. Praised by the agony and starvation I encountered, I became encouraged to follow these ways that I had been sheltered from. Being worshiped by the actions I portrayed could not alter the depression and despair that was growing inside. Finally accepting the emptiness I felt inside was when I embraced the purpose of the life I was created for. Growing up in faith allowed for me to understand that I needed the comfort that only God can give me. Disregarding my parents’ faith, I decided to uncover my own. Believing in God and the Bible aids in the truth that I was determined to find. Now, as I have uncovered my purpose, I hope to reach individuals and connect with them as they uncover and embrace the purpose that God has created for them.