I sit here today with tears on my face, holes in my heart, and empty arms.
My husband and I had been trying for a baby for almost 2 years. On June 23rd of this year I had lost my first child. My mind was a void and my soul was lost. I screamed out in pain for my unborn child, but it was no use.. My baby, purpose, and heart were all gone. Although I never held you in my arms or gave you a proper name- I am still your mother. You were here and gone in such a short time with no explanation. You were loved unconditionally and will be forever in my heart.. That moment I lost you was the worst day of my life.. Or so I thought.
I found out about my ectopic pregnancy on September 27th of this year. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, but unfortunately, I did. Late August I had found out I was pregnant again, following my miscarriage in June. I was told I had to terminate my child in order to save my life. The shot they gave me had a very high success rate, and my doctor was confident it would work.
She was wrong.
Exactly one week following that dreadful day, I ended up in the ER with the worst pain I could have imagined. I was scared to death, but thankful that this new pain would block out the emotions.. If only for a short while. That day was a blur of blood, tears, denial, and shock. When the doctor came in after my ultrasound, I had been told I needed emergency surgery. The feelings that came after were unlike all past events. I no longer cared about the person I was before this moment. I no longer existed. I was told that if I had waited just a little bit longer.. I would have died. My baby was in my left fallopian tube and had grown large enough to burst through my tube, resulting in internal bleeding.
I had been told multiple times that “It could be worse”. But to me, this was my ‘worse’.
It breaks my heart to say that I had wished that I waited and not gone into the ER. The emotional pain following this tragedy was, and still is, almost too hard to live with. Losing two children within about three months is unbearable. I am still in shock today, and it will probably never go away. That’s just something that I’ll need to accept. My pre-existing depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts were feeding off of this heartbreak. They say “God won’t give you more than you can handle”. I lost faith in that saying and faith in myself. But I am stronger than the trials I have been through. Stronger than the suicidal thoughts. Stronger than I used to be. I am still alive.
I always try to put the blame on something/someone else, but this time I can’t. I had been a smoker for 3+ years. I believe that is what almost killed me. This was my wake-up call. I was a slave to that stick of darkness. My babies are dead because of me and my horrible habit. There were fibers in my tubes, which were more than likely caused by smoking. The fibers caused my babies to grow in the wrong places before getting where they needed to be. The doctor said that my smoking is the most logical explanation. They died because I couldn’t do it. I was too weak. I couldn’t quit. But I am stronger, and I have quit.
Please do not ask me if I’m okay. I will stand there and tell you it’s better, but I promise you that it isn’t. It doesn’t get better. It only gets easier to lie and say that you’re okay. I will not suppress my feelings any longer. I will stop lying to myself and others. My babies are dead and I am taking full responsibility. It’s obvious I’m not okay.
To all you women with empty arms, I am so deeply sorry. You are not alone, you are loved, and you ARE a mother.